Hey all. I’ve been a bit quiet in the past week in the Forge because I’ve actually had the furnace fully stoked and well…I’ve made something…a roughly hewn chapter which still has visible marks of the anvil and probably needs a lot more heated bashing before it’s fit for purpose.
As those of you who read the last Blow by Blow will know, I reached a fork in the road in the last couple of weeks where I wondered if I was on the right path. The book I have signed to write (currently known as ‘book 4’) is not flowing out as I would like. And so I wondered, should I be writing a different book instead?
Conversations happened. I spoke to my editor, my agent, and a few other people with knowledge of writing and books. I cried a bit and bashed my head against the wall and then cried a bit more. I drank wine and felt in turn buoyed with confidence and sorry for myself, mostly the sorry for myself part.
In the end I decided to stick with ‘book 4’ and just knuckle down. So that’s what I’ve been doing. Basically, as I said in my last post about this, I, ‘got myself by the scruff of the neck, marched myself to the desk, shoved myself roughly into the chair and told myself to bloody well get on with it, or else.’
I had moments of enjoying it and feeling like it was going ok, but mostly, it was a struggle. When I finally reached ‘chapter length’, (just over 9000 words with a few more concluding paragraphs to write which will probably take it over the 10k mark), I felt massively relieved, and also mildly gutted to contemplate that, around a third of the way into my allotted writing time, this is only one chapter under my belt, with about 6 more still to do.
I wish I could sound upbeat but I’m just not in that place. I can’t work out why. I realised this morning that this is the first time I’ve tried to write a book ‘post cancellation’ (yes I know the word ‘cancelled’ is stupid but you know what I mean). Has it affected my self esteem in deeper ways than I anticipated? I seem to be fighting an even harder battle than usual with the demons that love to sit on all writer’s shoulders and tell them they’re wasting their time.
Maybe I’ve just forgotten quite how bloody hard it is to write a book. This image recently popped up on my ‘facebook memories’ - I shared in on November 30th 2018, when I was deep in the trenches of writing Give Birth like a Feminist. It was captioned, ‘Finished another chapter. Yasssss!’. My children were 5, 8 and 10 at the time, so my kitchen table (where I still do most of my writing) isn’t ‘quite’ this shocking these days, but it still has it’s moments, and the state of it and my house in general is a sure way to quickly gauge, ‘how is the book going?’.
I think what I need (apart from a cleaner) is a boost. I need something good to happen, a blast from the bellows of the universe into my furnace. I’ve sent the chapter off to the editor - maybe if she comes back and says (absolutely against my pessimistic expectation) ‘I LOVE IT!’, this will do the trick. Or maybe I’ll get one of those emails: “We’d like to pay you a gazillion quid to translate your book into Spanish”, or “We’d like you to write a weekly column for our paper” or similar that puts a smile on my face and a spring in my step.
I’m not too far off finishing a children’s fiction book I’ve been working on, on and off, for a year or so. Recently I sent it to a friend’s agent who specialises in children’s fiction. I’ve not heard back from her yet. This would be another possible lift - just to hear that she liked it or thought it had potential would be ‘something’. I’m sounding extremely gloomy, I know, but this is a ‘diary’ of a writer’s journey through the entire process, so perhaps there is some value in showing the slightly pathetic reality.
I’ll be back next week, hopefully with some kind of renewed enthusiasm. In the meantime, don’t forget you can now listen to or watch the wonderful Reith lecture from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie I was lucky enough to go and see in person. If you want to hear me on a podcast I’m on Venus Rising (either on youtube, or spotify, apple etc) with Kallie Fell, talking about my books, why women deserve better in childbirth, #metoointhebirthroom, being ‘cancelled’, and why treating individuals with the utmost respect is not the same as changing language at population level.
Also of note is that I have launched substack ‘chats’ for The Book Forge today, this is a subscribers only space where we can all talk to each other and discuss, well, whatever we like really! You need to download the app to join and you should have received an email from me today with full instructions. Please let me know if there are topics you would like me to start.
Right, I’m off to chew thoughtfully on a thistle. Love Milli x
PS: Blow by Blow is usually subscriber only, but as this week’s was so inspirational, what with my deep sense of impending doom and my inability to clean up after myself and all that, I thought I’d make it free to access. I’m sure many of you will now want to upgrade to a paid subscription.
You’re actually in a wonderfully fortunate space... book 4 May be a challenge but hey - you’re already incubating (or pregnant with) book 5... it’s there waiting it’s turn. You’re on the right track - nothing wrong with a bit of old fashioned discipline and just getting on with what you need to do - it’s what’s missing from many people’s lives. Well done and keep it up!
Thank you for sharing the gloomier side to writing a book, it definitely helps provide perspective. And should any of us actually attempt this colossal task for real we won't feel quite so alone when we're having days like this!